Will I Live or Die?

'A stem cell transplant, will give you a 50% chance of being alive in 5 years', said my doctor at Guy's hospital, July 2023.

Two thoughts came into my mind simultaneously: if I die soon, what will my legacy be? And, if I live, what will I do with the extra time?

Then I thought of St Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, when he is facing the possibility of imminent death. He is in Rome, in jail, and awaiting trial. He weighs up the 2 alternatives, 'For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain' (Philippians 1.21). It could go either way. So, he thinks it through, then he shares his thoughts, so that it will benefit his readers. This is the spirit in which I am sharing my transplant journey, to benefit and strengthen you, as you face the different challenges in your life; but also, so that you can support us . Again, as St Paul says, 'Yes, and I shall rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, this will turn out for my deliverance' (Philippians 1.18)

What is life for? What is the purpose of keeping on living and struggling? Paul continues his thoughts: 'If it is to be life in the flesh, that means fruitful labour for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again'

He knows that the verdict could go either way, as it could for me. But he hopes to live on, to serve and be fruitful. As I read through this ancient letter, I realised it was full of lessons for living positively when life is hard and uncertain. So, I decided to learn it by heart, so that if I am too weak to read I can still meditate on it.

If I come through it all well, there is one fruitful thing that I know I want to do - to see and interact with all my Grandchildren, to know them, and to encourage them on their journeys. They bring me much joy; and I hope to bring them joy too. We also believe that Christ will have more fruitful service for us.

This uncertainty was not what Mary and I had in mind as we approached my retirement as a Church of England Pastor. We had worked together for 30+ years as fellow pastors and community builders - and raising our own family - in Liverpool, Clacton, London, Leeds, Bangkok and Paris. In retirement we had hoped for a little rest, before starting again in a new community, with new adventures and opportunities for service.

My diagnosis of Myelofibrosis came on February 7th 2023, following symptoms of severe anaemia. We were in Paris, with 3 months to go to retirement. Christ gave us strength for that, and the church family of St Michael's was very generous and kind in their send off.

In May we came back to our family holiday home in Frinton-on-Sea, on the East coast of England, 90 minutes from London. We have enjoyed 6 months of (relatively) peaceful retirement; and we had a wonderful family reunion in August, with much fun on the beach and in the sea. During that time we also sat down and prayed together as a family, each sharing our hopes and fears for the future. A precious time.

Now it is time for my Stem Cell Transplant - 4 to 5 weeks in hospital - then weekly follow-up visits. I am going to share My Transplant Journey here in this Blog, week by week. How will Christ strengthen us to live well through this time? What will He do through Bart's Hospital, and the brilliant Transplant team here, who are continually adjusting their treatment and learning with a worldwide medical-scientific community? Please pray for them also. We are very thankful for them. Faith and Science and Love go very well together!

I go into Bart's this coming Thursday, November 23rd, and will begin with 10 days of Chemotherapy which will reduce my immune system, and prepare my body to receive live stem cells from my sister, on December 4th.

I will let you know how it goes.